i'm thinking of reading an atheist book. today after work i hung out for a short while at a bookstore in north austin. i was browsing around the religion section, as i am wont to do, and came across an actual subsection of atheist books. "hmm." i took one off of the shelf just for the heck of it. i've spent a good many years of my life reading books that bolster my faith, in some cases by people who used to be professed atheists. in fact, i myself was an atheist once--in the fourth grade, for about two weeks. in response, Mom and Dad presented me with the elementary school version of St. Thomas Aquinas' "first cause" argument. "if God doesn't exist, then how does anything else exist?" either i wasn't smart enough to come up with a clever enough answer, or there simply is none. either way, back to Catholicism. i still have no good answer to that question, or to several questions that arise when one entertains the idea that the entire physical world is uncreated and self-sustaining. and i'm pretty sure that i wouldn't find satisfactory answers to them if i read an atheist book, because atheism doesn't really claim to offer any. atheism is like the ring of power from Lord of the Rings--it has only the power to destroy. so i'm considering reading an atheist book as much for the spirtual challenge as for the intellectual exercise. what would the spiritual challenge be? well, i'll give an example. like i said, i took an atheist book off the shelf this afternoon and just started reading chapter one. the author managed to get about three lines before negatively stereotyping people of faith. it was his first or second sentence. about how he had often seen that those who claim to be people of charity and compassion lose those virtues when confronted with people like himself, who disagree. if his intent is to persuade people of faith that he is correct in his beliefs about the universe, he's not off to a good start, not necssarily because his arguments are unsound, but because his approach is off-putting. i can't speak for all of us, but i know that this Christian is tired of the whole "believers are hypocrites" mantra, not because i think it's false, but because i know it's true and don't need to be persuaded any further. granted, just because this one atheist can't restrain himself in the opening passages of his book doesn't mean all atheists write similarly. i'm sure there are many non-believers who are perfectly nice people with positive attitudes, and whose writing reflects that. but this particular author isn't doing them any favors, at least not in the first few pages. just as fire-and-brimstone fundamentalist Christians and Muslims are of little or no help to their sisters and brothers. see what i mean? if this is how i respond to the first page of an atheist book, i can only imagine reading the whole thing. it's not so much about whether i can get through the whole book and not be shaken in my belief in God by his arguments. i'm pretty sure that would not be a problem. but can i read the book all the way through without letting it upset me? i hope so. i haven't made up my mind about this yet, though. i'm open to people's input. the big question i have to face is whether or not it would be worth my time, when there are so many other books i could read which i would venture are much more likely to challenge and enhance my thinking. for example, the latest from Pope Benedict XVI, Jesus of Nazareth. among the mind-blowing insights i've encountered so far: he actually says in the book that the phrase "Kingdom of God" is an inadequate translation, because "kingdom" implies merely a locale. the phrase is really all about God's total sovereignty over the whole universe--the relationship he has with, and the allegiance he demands from, his people. Benedict writes:

"Kingdom of God" is therefore an inadequate translation. It would be better to speak of God's being-Lord, of his lordship.

i seem to remember a Catholic magazine with a certain philosophical tilt that had an article about how the phrase "Kingdom of God" is antiquated, and the Church needs to move on from it. most of the world, the article said, has left behind the monarchic form of government and doesn't think in such terms. so the article made suggestions as to other possible phrases one could use to describe the relationship, such as, for example, the "dance of God," like a tango i guess. i've never had a problem with describing God's relationship with his people as a dance, or as any number of other things, so long as it is not intended as a replacement for the amply documented image of God as King. that was the problem i had with this article: the notion that a clear scriptural image needs to be moved away from rather than explored. so now Pope Benedict himself is saying not only should we not move "beyond" this image, but we need to go back to how the ancients understood it. "Kingdom of God," as most people understand it today, doesn't go far enough. it is not kingdom, but kingship. this is another problem that atheists have in persuading others of their position, at least in the case of Catholics. it is certainly easy for a simpleton like me to read a couple of pages by an atheist, and simply say to myself, "this person wouldn't last a minute with Benedict XVI, or John Paul II." there's simply no visible equivalent in the atheist community, at least in stature. there's no atheist pope. i actually had a (perfectly pleasant) conversation with an atheist once who made that very point to me. atheists have never really gotten organized and centralized. i have to wonder though, what's there to organize? it would be kind of like anarchists forming a police squad. wouldn't that rather defeat the purpose?

so, i was watching fox news sunday this morning, and this commercial came on for ... the Indie 500. today at NOON. i saw this and i thought to myself, this is a travesty! sundays are for one thing and one thing only--besides the Lord of course: and that's football. ... okay maybe basketball in the springtime. but one thing is for certain: sunday noon is not to be wittled away watching multi-colored vehicles drive around in a circle. to say nothing of saturday. people, i can just hear The Texas Fight Song and other trademark ballads of the Longhorn Band. i can just see the players (well, the law-abiding ones anyway) striding majestically onto the field at DKR Memorial. i can just feel the bleachers rumble beneath my feet as the burnt orange side of the cotton bowl erupts in rapture while colt mccoy systematically picks apart the inept secondary of the oklahoma sooners. i am so ready for this. but no, not today. now we're in that uncomfortable middle part of the year where really no interesting sports are happening. no football, and now no basketball. of course, there could still be at least one or two more basketball games if it wasn't for the near-monopolistic concentration of skill in a single team. don't get me wrong. i love the spurs. but what we saw in the finals was a clearly better team doing the least they possibly could in order to dispose of an inexperienced squad that was simply in over its head. i'm sure this will only be the first we've seen of them. well, lebron james anyway. in the meantime, 76 days until gameday at DKR Memorial. it won't be a moment too soon.

i was in a Catholic seminary this past fall. it was a fairly large place with long, deep, dim lit halls that you could see a long way down. when i was there, i got to know a lot of my seminary brothers by observing how they walked. from such a distance, on the other end of the hall, you could never see faces. just the stride. some walked very quickly and with purpose. some with a lot of brass. some sort of bobbed up and down as they walked. some slowly and calmly, unassuming and simple. tonight, nearly five months after having left the seminary, i was playing sand volleyball with my friends on a church campus in northwest austin. we were hanging out afterwards and getting ready to go to sonic when i noticed off in the distance, this guy walking toward us. i couldn't see a face, just a stride in the street light. "i know that walk!" i said. sure enough, it was one of my seminary buddies who slept just down the hall from me in the dorms. talk about coming out of left field. we greeted each other and spoke at length for the rest of the evening about where we both are in our lives now, and about how the rest of the guys are doing. it turned out to be a great and unexpected opportunity for me to take stock of what's happened to me in my life since i chose to leave, and how my life is so very different now. i left seminary on january 22 of this year. i went to stay with my parents, look for a job, basically start over. i still loved Jesus, i just knew i wasn't called to be a priest, which was scary because i didn't really have any idea what else there was for me to do. so i started looking for a job. pretty much any job. i don't think i'll ever know why God spared me the limbo of unemployment so quickly. it took me about a month to find a job. as a serious journalist. in my hometown of austin, a fierce job market as it is. less than six weeks after leaving a seminary, flat broke and with no direction, i had stumbled upon a full-time job doing what i do best in a town that is just crawling with people who can do it better than me. and i'm covering, of all things, the state capitol. i've gone from working in the heart of the Church, where tomorrow's leaders are tried and trained, to working in the heart of the State, where today's leaders ... well, i'm still not really sure what those people do. the two settings are more similar than one might think. but to be sure, one quickly becomes aware of the clearly different priorities in a state institution, of the values that are sacred there but not in the Church, and the values that are sacred in the Church, but not there. going there has been a real exercise in memory for me. remembering to look at the world with Jesus eyes even when it seems to be ruled by so many other things besides him. but really, there's nothing unique about that experience for any person of faith. it's actually the most normal thing in the world. most people who are Christians have to go to jobs where religion is not explicitly exercised. most people aren't "ministers" in an official sense. the challenge and the opportunity for me has been to take the sense of peace i had in seminary and continue to use that when i'm out in the world. which often means just being patient and courteous, and doing our jobs well. so much else has changed. i drive a truck now. i'm getting ready to move into an apartment with two other very laid back guys. but most importantly, i've made a boatload of new friends in the last four months. a whole cast of characters. and somehow i've been able to stay in touch with a lot of the friends i had before i went to seminary. i told my seminarian friend that aside from all the spiritual benefits of going to seminary, it was actually the most practical thing i've ever done. because if there was anything that i had lacked throughout my life, it was clarity. and i knew that i was not going to find clarity until i hunkered down and just went to seminary. so i did. no dilly-dallying, no second-guessing, no thinking myself out of doing it. i just did it. and when i got there, i got all the clarity i needed--and more than i wanted. i got so much clarity that i found i had no choice but to go back home and get busy doing what God was actually calling me to do, whatever that is. and in the long term, i still don't really know. but i do know that i don't have to know it right now. and i know what i have to do tomorrow, and that it's what God wants me to do, so i'm fine with just doing that and seeing what happens.

tonight i was feeling really nerdy and random, so i decided to liveblog game 3 of the NBA finals between the don't-know-how-to-lose san antonio spurs and the too-young-to-die...well-maybe-not cleveland cavaliers. i tried to make it funny and entertaining, but the players didn't give me much to work with. here it is, enjoy! *** 7:52PM: okay ... maybe the sweetest national anthem performance i've ever seen. ben harper rocks. if you didn't see it, you can probably find it on youtube later. 754: haha, the DJ plays the "empire strikes back" theme for the spurs. so i guess gregg poppovich is the emperor, and tim duncan is darth vader. lebron james must be luke skywalker, cuz tim duncan's his daddy. 757: fire just spewed from the jumbotron. that's not a fire hazard? ...it's still goin', too. 803: waitin' on tipoff...and frozen pizza in the oven ... 805: aaaand we're off! 807: aaahhh parker! breakin' my heart! at least the pizza is good. 809: darth vader just scored the first points. big surprise there. 810: okay now he's got the spur's first four points. 816: bruce bowen for three! that's right cavs fans, just quiet down for a bit, that's right. 818: am i the only one that thinks it's weird that obiwanu ginobili and darth vader are on the same team? 820: dude lebron skywalker is hosting the espys! flippin' sweet. mmm...pizza. 822: wow it's the largest lead the cavs have had in the series! they must be kickin' ass! ... oh wait, it's just four points. 823: dude the spurs rebounded something! and bruce bowen from downtown again! the man in an assassin! ... hmmm ... if he were a star wars character, i think he would be boba fett. (i feel like such a geek right now.) 824: man ... the force isn't very strong with darth vader tonight. ... yet. 829: boba fett just drew a foul. he really is an assassin tonight. ... except he just missed two free throws. nevermind. 830: obiwanu! why did you do that?? 831: darth vader duncan--8 points. boba fett bowen--6 points. rest of the spurs--NADA. 832: go jacques! i don't even know that guy. he looks like avery johnson back in the day. 836: that's the dumbest wendy's commercial i've ever seen. i miss dave thomas. he was cool. 837: they finally showed EVAAAA! 839: hahaaa ... former UT star kevin wilson just shot two totally illegit free throws. hook 'em kev! and then skywalker steps up to the line and ... misses one. HA-ha! 843: can you spurs get any closer than five points behind? yer killin' me smalls!! 845: you know, i kinda wanta see that 1408 movie. ... maybe i'll just rent it later. 854: skywalker has three fouls. boba fett has three three-pointers. 855: ... did duncan even touch that guy? how is that a foul? 858: the iPhone scares me. it's gonna take over the world someday. 908: dude the spurs scored a basket! how long has it been?? 910: oh ho hoooo boy. robert horry ... the man is a three-point machine. and we have a tie game with less than a minute to go. 912: whoa! parker floats it in at the buzzer! 40 to 38 spurs at halftime! that is some crazy shizz. 914: dood! i sooooo wanta see evan almighty. "...just a little precipitation??" 931: san antonio had ten straight points to close the half. crazy. 935: second half begins. oberto hits one. parker hits one. spurs up by four. these finals are dangerously close to just becoming a bore. don't get me wrong, i love the spurs, but gee whiz people. 945: they showed eva again! 946: i'd like to see how eva reacts when tony parker messes up. 947: ...and we're tied up at 48 with just over four minutes to go ... in the first half? no no, in the third quarter! what are we in college?? 954: see, tony parker just missed a layup. woulda been a perfect time to show eva! 957: boba fett at the free throw line ... why can this guy drain threes like there's no tomorrow but he can't hit a free throw? he reminds me of ... well me, actually. 958: there boba fett goes again with the three! 55-50 spurs. 1000: NBA record low 27 combined points between both teams in the third quarter. i thought i was just joking when i made that college comment. 1005: oooooo the fans whipped out the scary towels. they're twirlin' em around, oh my. 1006: barry hits another three! it's 58 to 50 spurs! this could be really great for the spurs and ... really bad for the rest of the NBA. 1011: darth vader just scored for the first time since the first quarter. 1016: parker nailed it and they still didn't show eva! that's just ridiculous... 1016: finley for three! it's 67 to 57 spurs with just over six minutes to play. it looks bad for the cavs. 1027: two and a half minutes left in the game. it's 67 to 63 ... looks like neither of them is going to even get anywhere close to 80 ... unless there's overtime. and i really hope that does not happen. i've seen enough ugliness for one night. 1034: darth vader at the free throw line. ... the force is strong with him. 1035: parker for three! and they showed EVAAAA! ... i dunno why i get so excited. i don't even watch desperate housewives. 1036: whoa ... ginobili goes to the line with 10.4 remaining and the spurs up by TWO. at least the ending is half decent. 1037: ginobili! why do you miss??? okay at least he made one. spurs by three. 1038: spurs by ONE. 1039: okay let's get this ugliness over with. ... ginobili back to the line. 1040: and he makes 'em both! whew ... okay 5.5 seconds to go, 75 to 72 spurs. cavs are really hangin' on by a thread here. 1043: and just like that ... the ugliness is ended. it's 75 to 72 spurs, who are now up 3 to NADA. and the big three--darth vader, obiwanu ginobili and lucky parker--didn't even play that great. i guess nobody really did tonight. except bruce "boba fett" bowen. but oh well, one more game to win, spurs. make it prettier than this trash!